Sausage and Bottom-feeding Boston
I was a bit tight money-wise on my last trip to Boston. I knew I didn’t have enough in me for one of those fourth-of-July-style grand-slam purchases, the Machinder or original Bullmark or Popy Slutroid or whatever. There was only one course to take: aim low, and never look back. There’s no way in hell I’d have walked out of Day-Old Antiques empty-handed, anyway, and sure as hell not with a head muddled from the expensive vodka I’d swilled straight from the bottle I’d found in Alen’s liquor cabinet. All I had with me was $150 in cash, most of which I quickly spent on the stupidest toys imaginable, pieces I’d never have DREAMED of picking up on a normal, straight day. Desperation purchases from the bottom of the character-toy food chain: Japanese-boxed Machine Robo ‘Battle Armor’ spaceships, dirt-cheap Bandai kaiju vinyl, fully-variable disco-colored Takatoku Sasuraiger ‘Batrain’ C-3. And on the way back I managed to cajole Alen’s ‘military color‘ version C-3 out of him, too. Plus the extra parts to complete my screwed-up ST Sasuraiger back home, to keep my recently acquired giant-ass Sasuraiger company. Jesus, what was I THINKING? It’s not like I NEED all of these transforming-train toys, but once you get yourself locked into a serious Sasuraiger collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
Actually, after taking stock of the situation, the only thing that really worried me were those Batrains. Not the fact I’d just dropped nearly $50 on what was undeniably a Gobot, not the fact that Alen seems to have developed an unhealthy attachment to cheap-ass deluxe Diaclone robot sets. Ever since my childhood, my relationship with Sasuraiger has been tinged with the scent of disappointment. At the tender age of thirteen, I clearly remember stumbling across the aforementioned standard-sized diecast at the local Asian ‘Gift Gate.’ The robot-into-locomotive concept was mildly amusing, and the action-packed box art of Sasuraiger on the prowl was enough to manhandle any doubts into submission. It would be another three or four hours later, when I finally returned home, that I realized that the stupid motherfucker not only was about as articulated as a piece of wood, but didn’t transform into ANYTHING AT ALL.
I can’t really blame Takatoku; as a giant-robot character, Sasuraiger’s always ridden that thin rail, if you will, between being charming and just plain stupid. But for God’s sake, if you’re stuck with a license as retarded as a transforming train, you a least owe it to yourself to build in SOMETHING that makes it remotely attractive to buyers. At least the poor bastard contained a pinball-style bullet-launching mechanism, an eye hazard the likes of which must’ve cost Takatoku thousands in cash and untold numbers of cheap hookers to bribe past the Japanese ‘ST’ safety commission.
You’d think after all I’d been through, I’d have learned my lesson. Yet there another one was, calling my name from a dusty shelf, begging forgiveness for the sins of the past. In my alcohol-weakened condition, I was a sucker for a charming line and I fell for Sasuraiger yet again, this time in the form of the aforementioned fully-transforming Batrain C-3 Sasuraiger 1:55. Hell, it’s a window box this time, I figured; there’s no way this train’s going to take ol’ Matt for a ride again. It wasn’t until three or four hours later, when I finally returned home, that I realized that the stupid motherfucker not only was MUCH DUMBER THAN I’D EVER IMAGINED IT BEING, but it actually FELL APART THE FIRST TIME I TRANSFORMED IT.
This time, though, things were a little different than when I was thirteen. I’d learned how to read Japanese. And as Alen attempted radical surgery on the Batrain in the background, kind of like ‘ER‘ minus the good-looking actors and drama, I thoughtfully turned the package over and over in my hands, looking for a clue on that beautifully rough-hewn Takatoku cardboard. Suddenly I spotted it, down on the lower left-hand corner of the box. I brought the box closer, squinting at the tiny characters as the sound of screwdriver against cheap plastic filled the air.
‘Height, 24.9 meters; Weight, 72.5 tons; Output, 80,000 horsepower; Armament, Beam Rifle and Drum-machineguns. Please understand that there may be differences between the images on the box and the actual product.’
Jesus Christ, they weren’t kidding. I took another pull on my beer, picked up the phone, and begin to dial: I’d heard that Duban’s got a line on another Sasuraiger piece, and I don’t want to miss it.
