I HATE SANDWICHES I hate sandwiches. And it's not because I've never had a good one. I have. But none of them ever made me want to eat one again. Ever. In fact, even the best of the sandwiches I have eaten serve only to remind me why I don't like them in the first place. It is such an unshakable dislike that I have begun to feel alienated when I see other people eat sandwiches. Or when I hear them talk about eating them. I just cannot see how anyone could ever talk or think about a sandwich as something good. I just needed to get that off my chest. http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218234#msg-218234 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 01:56:15 -0400 Phorum 5.2.18 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219518#msg-219518 That Cuban grill, she brought me low. http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219518#msg-219518 -------------------------------------------------------
> Just saw these on The Colbert Report and thought
> of this thread. Enjoy!
>
> [www.theepochtimes.com]

I can't imagine why, but I got about a half dozen emails in the last two days with that Sandwich-in-a-Can monstrosity. For (obvious?) reasons I find the concept to be more vulgar than the Pussy-in-a-Can novelty sex toys that Japan pioneered. It heralds the end of civilization as we know it.


asterphage Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> > Gcrush Wrote:
> > a bunch of utter nonsense
>
> G, why is EVERY story you tell somehow epically
> riveting? I mean, I can recognize the essential
> banality of these events, but reading your posts
> is on a different level than the actual content of
> the story. Do these things seem so intense at the
> time, or does the metamorphosis happen when you
> write it down?

I suffer from excessive hyperbole. Years of draconian schooling and heavy pharmaceuticals have done nothing to abate it. Nagging exacerbates it. Flatter sets it off churning with the force of a Kodiak tryst in May. Like an alligator in the bathtub, ignoring it is the most prudent defense.

Er, in all seriousness I tend to process events after I have finished experiencing them and the fun is in the retelling. (I thought everyone was like this but I've been told otherwise.) When I'm in the moment things sometimes move in slow-motion, like the booby-trapped avalanche of rat feces I tripped. I could see all the individual soldiers in the turd-army suspended in midair for a few moments right before they tried unsuccessfully to blitzkrieg my face. But it was only afterwords that I could really laugh about how the indignities my person suffered paled in comparison to the devastation wrought upon Paul McCartney's former drummer's wardrobe. And how totally pissed his wife was going to be when he had to explain why all her pajamas were at the cleaners. Haw.


Erik Sjoen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Speaking of Tortas, if you're ever in SF, call me
> and I will take you for one of these:
>
> [brokeassstuart.com]-
> from-thats-it-market-cheap-and-girthy/

I accidentally ate something like that once. I grew up around a certain type of smashed sammich colloquially known as "A Cuban". (With the occasional "media noche" thrown in for good measure.) I don't know how authentic they were. The few Red Badge of Communism Expats I met would neither confirm nor deny the homeland origins of these wafer-thing concoctions, but one guy thought the idea was funny considering how little bread was available to eat when he was growing up under Uncle Castro's mindful guidance. So, yeah. Anyway.

I always assumed a Cuban sammich was a Cuban sammich. And you know what they say about assumptions? They make an ass out of your small intestine.

I was visiting some friends from California in one of the satellite burbs of Houston that was oddly populated with "ethnic types" for being so pseudo-affluent according to all the kindly white folk that bragged about being from the place. We decided to roll out for some breakfast grubbing to a local mercado that was supposedly all up balls deep in Oaxaca cuisine. It had been years since I'd scarfed a Cuban and when I saw them on the menu I settled on it right away. When I ordered the auntie in the hairnet behind the counter squinched up her face and warned me it would take about twenty minutes to cook it. I thought that sounded strange and, in retrospect, it should have been a red flag.

See, the Cubans I was used to eating were boring affairs of cold items that were made sensual in serving because they were basically hot pressed into something about as thick as a hand of poker. They shouldn't take longer then two minutes to prepare because: A) there's nothing to cook; and B) they'd be completely carbonized into ash if you sat on the press longer than 90 seconds.

Well, the monster they eventually brought out looked about like the torta in the link above. It was so fucking stacked with garbage that I could not get my extra large mitts wrapped around it to lift it up to my mouth. It would have been easier to pick up and wedge a light-duty truck tire between my teeth. I guess auntie already knew that. Which was why the Cuban sammich came with a side order of steak knifes and dental insurance.

That thing had deli meats, bistek, chopped hot dogs, two boiled eggs, and a lonely hamburger patty smothered under a head of lettuce, a small order of french fries, and some fried vegetable I couldn't properly describe aside from saying it was "green". It was swimming in a lake of butter and mayonnaise. The grass and guts of the sammich were being comedicaly and futilely fucked on both sides by buns that were the approximate size, shape, and consistency of a '88 Coupe DeVille's hubcaps.

My soul cried the whole forty minutes it took me to eat it. My friends from Cali laughed at the folly of my choice in order what they ordinarily thought of as a "family sandwich" all by myself. Not that it was enough to make them offer to help me with it. No. They were having too much fun for that.

On our way to the emergency room for my high colonic I described the nature of my misunderstanding to them. I assured them that in the crazy world I come from where real Cuban people live that Cuban sandwiches are generally benign, easily digested affairs of inconsequence. Their reply?

"Cubanos don't know shit about making Cuban sandwiches."

Truer words were never spoken that day.]]> Gcrush The OT Sat, 10 Jul 2010 20:32:18 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219510#msg-219510 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219510#msg-219510
[brokeassstuart.com]]]> Erik Sjoen The OT Sat, 10 Jul 2010 00:50:54 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219497#msg-219497 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219497#msg-219497
> reminded me of a younger Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
> not-at-all-discreetly
> screaming he was going to kick Harvey's ass
> freaked out and wanted to call the cops
> I'm afraid to go in there right now."

> one of Paul McCartney's former drummers.
> it rained a metric ton of rat feces
> actually reaffirmed my faith in human decency
> the dirty and cluttered lives most people live in secret,
> getting slapped in the face with gay-porn pop-ups

G, why is EVERY story you tell somehow epically riveting? I mean, I can recognize the essential banality of these events, but reading your posts is on a different level than the actual content of the story. Do these things seem so intense at the time, or does the metamorphosis happen when you write it down?]]> asterphage The OT Fri, 09 Jul 2010 18:19:08 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219487#msg-219487 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,219487#msg-219487
[www.theepochtimes.com]

[www.grist.org]]]> Warrhead The OT Fri, 09 Jul 2010 13:57:44 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218635#msg-218635 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218635#msg-218635 -Mason]]> mcfitch The OT Wed, 16 Jun 2010 17:18:24 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218632#msg-218632 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218632#msg-218632


]]> Giantbluerobot The OT Wed, 16 Jun 2010 16:35:29 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218629#msg-218629 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218629#msg-218629 Giantbluerobot The OT Wed, 16 Jun 2010 14:30:01 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218623#msg-218623 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218623#msg-218623 -------------------------------------------------------
> If one were to go out disappointed by burgers, you
> could be the least disappointed with a Mason
> burger.

I don't doubt that in the least. See above.]]> Gcrush The OT Wed, 16 Jun 2010 11:01:58 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218622#msg-218622 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218622#msg-218622 -------------------------------------------------------
> Is this why you won't come to the Summit? :-(

No, it's all logistical. I promise I will actually be down with one of your bacon monsters when I eventually make it up there.


Sanjeev Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I feel lucky in that the several years I spun 'za,
> I literally spun them.

We were such a small operation that everyone pulled some kind of double duty. During the afternoon I would take calls, prep, cook, deliver, and clean as needed. At night time we staffed up and then I'd just do the delivering. I found none of the different jobs to be particularly enjoyable, though delivering was an emotional roller coaster. You think people would be happy to see the guy bringing their food, but no, that's not always the case.


Sanjeev Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hell hath no fury like a pizza-spinner scorned.

We had a strict zero tolerance policy for monkeying with food and a couple of people got fired on the sport for mischievous behavior. On the other hand, when I worked in houses and businesses doing their internet stuff we had next to zero oversight for retaliation against dickhead customers. One of my colleagues on a job with me took a dump in someone's attic because they wouldn't let him access the restroom when he asked. Eerily, nothing ever came of it.


hillsy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You eat pizza out of politeness? What about
> sandwiches? Does your politeness know any bounds?

I have a pretty firm rule of eating what I'm served without complaint when I am a guest. As a result I have ingested both terrible and bizarre foods. But it never bothered me because I could honestly appreciate the effort people made. On the other hand, being excluded from the decision making process amongst peers is another issue entirely. I resent the shit out of being pressured to conform when I'm footing the bill. To me, that's the opposite of good manners.]]> Gcrush The OT Wed, 16 Jun 2010 11:01:30 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218621#msg-218621 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218621#msg-218621 -------------------------------------------------------
> Gcrush, if you're not a replicant, then your
> sandwich aversion indicates that you have a brain
> tumor or you're a communist.

I've been accused of wearing red. Mostly by dirty sandwich gobblers.


> But your story about Curley made up for it.

We used to deliver to a couple of pro-wrestlers in the area, too. I can't remember what acronyms they played for or even their names now. One of them reminded me of a younger Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Anyway. The HJD lookin' dood used to not-at-all-discreetly ask that the drivers bring him a case of beer with the pizza. Which most of us did as he'd tip around $10 because he'd already be too drunk to care that we kept the change. One Friday night he phoned in his order and even though we told him it'd be at least 30 minutes he drove down to the kitchen before his pizza was even out of the oven and started pounding on the pick-up window screaming he was going to kick Harvey's ass for fucking up his order. Harvey had already gone home. The manager was freaked out and wanted to call the cops. We talked to him through the window instead and told him his pizza was coming out of the oven. He said, "Wait. What time is it?" We told him the time and his demeanor changed immediately. He slipped $50 to us and said, "Can one of you guys grab me a case of beer from the gas station across the street? I'm afraid to go in there right now." One of the other guys accommodated him and got a $20 tip out of it.

We also delivered to James Best a couple of times but the folks at his house were always classy and tipped well.

Mmm... I once installed a high speed internet connection for one of Paul McCartney's former drummers. The guy was nice enough, but his house had a massive rat infestation. I learned this after I opened the attic access hatch in the master bedroom closet and it rained a metric ton of rat feces all over the place. The way I was standing the bulk of it missed me and landed all over his wardrobe. That actually reaffirmed my faith in human decency as he spent a lot of time apologizing to me.

Man, now that I think about it that line of work was awful. Way worse than the pizza stuff. Working in all those shoddily built homes, constantly seeing the dirty and cluttered lives most people live in secret, getting slapped in the face with gay-porn pop-ups while checking the connection on the fire marshal's home computer...

No wonder I'm a replicant.]]> Gcrush The OT Wed, 16 Jun 2010 10:44:46 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218612#msg-218612 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218612#msg-218612 repairtechjon The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:54:14 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218598#msg-218598 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218598#msg-218598 hillsy The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:10:35 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218592#msg-218592 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218592#msg-218592
Lemme try to make up for it:
One time, a friend of mine and myself went to a local pizza joint where I worked (I was off duty at the time). Now, that friend's ex-boyfriend was one of my co-workers, and he was working at the time. Things weren't too neat and tidy between the two. I did my best to stay out of it. I was there just to say hi to the crew, enjoy being there while NOT working, and to chat with my friend. Anyway, my friend ordered a pizza, and when her pizza came out, she noticed rather quickly that her pizza had BBQ sauce, not tomato sauce on it!

Hell hath no fury like a pizza-spinner scorned.]]> Sanjeev The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 17:37:43 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218590#msg-218590 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218590#msg-218590 Roger The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 17:27:05 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218589#msg-218589 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218589#msg-218589 Sanjeev The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 17:24:55 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218588#msg-218588 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218588#msg-218588 Roger The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 17:24:13 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218587#msg-218587 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218587#msg-218587
I find it utterly fascinating that anyone would have the fucking nerve to offend anyone serving them gods-fucking-damned food. That's some lazy, despicable shit, right there...AND it's fucking moronic 'cause eventually, your dumb ass is getting a pube in your sauce.]]> Sanjeev The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 17:23:28 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218586#msg-218586 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218586#msg-218586 -Mason]]> mcfitch The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 17:01:42 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218585#msg-218585 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218585#msg-218585 literally spun them. I was a pizza cook only (and a damn good one, at that). Never once did I deliver a single pie...and only on a very rare occasion did I man the cash register and interact with a customer. I actually DO like talking to people and helping them out (hell, I'm the rocket scientist equivalent of a tech support guy now), but experiences like the one with Curly terrify me. I mean, I'd be disappointed that it was Curly who was doing me like that...but absolutely regardless of who it was, if I were doing the delivering, he'd end up either wearing the food, or I'd simply dip my balls in it immediately prior to delivery.

By the way, I've had buckwheat pancakes sans syrup (berries instead)...delightful.]]> Sanjeev The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:56:33 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218583#msg-218583 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218583#msg-218583 -Mason]]> mcfitch The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:39:11 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218581#msg-218581 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218581#msg-218581 Roger The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:35:48 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218580#msg-218580 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218580#msg-218580 -------------------------------------------------------
> You always come back to the 'za.


It's been over a decade and I still haven't.

I suspect it might have something to do with this one lady I delivered to. The comments on the ticket said, "Door to fence on right side, open back porch, knock on sliding glass door." So I did. A voice told me to let myself in. And there she was. All 500lbs of her spread out on a queen sized bed from which she clearly never moved. In an utterly soundless exchange her eggplant looking hands took the two extra-large pizzas and liter of soda from me and passed over a handful of cash in return. Five dollars in tip.

I have eaten pizza since then, but only out of politeness.]]> Gcrush The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:34:46 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218577#msg-218577 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218577#msg-218577 -------------------------------------------------------
> Damn...the Curly from the Globetrotters.

I don't like being trendy and hating on celebs, but delivering to him sucked. I didn't exactly idolize the Globetrotters when I was a kid, but I remembered them fondly and Curly was like their president in my mind. I guess because of that he went from being just an ordinary crappy customer into being this nebulous cloud of disappointing feelings every time I took something to his house.

One time he answered the door wearing an undershirt, boxers, and socks and then without saying a word walked straight back in to the living room to continue watching whatever game was on the TV. He didn't look up until the first quarter ended. (Seriously, what could possibly be so damn exciting about the first fucking quarter? Nothing, that's what.) And even then he just reached out his hand with the money so I could come over and take it instead of, you know, getting up off the couch and handing it to me. Then he just kind of mumbled, "Alright," and sat back down to tear into his chow. I had to let myself out. There was less than half a dollar in tip, too.

I think the whole thing was too complex or contradictory for me to process satisfactorily. All of the questions I had about what was going on with that guy just led to some pretty depressing inferences. I had to stop thinking about it.]]> Gcrush The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:20:37 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218575#msg-218575 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218575#msg-218575 -------------------------------------------------------
> Pancakes?


Buckwheat. Fruit. No syrup.]]> Gcrush The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 15:59:29 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218573#msg-218573 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218573#msg-218573 hillsy The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 15:08:36 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218568#msg-218568 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218568#msg-218568 Warrhead The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:45:25 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218567#msg-218567 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218567#msg-218567 the Curly from the Globetrotters.

Sucks.

Still...I love wings. About as much as I love sandwiches (well...burgers).]]> Sanjeev The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:44:31 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218566#msg-218566 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218566#msg-218566 -------------------------------------------------------
> G, do you like pizza?

I used to make homemade pizza - everything from scratch. Dough was usually wholewheat, spelt, or kamut. It wasn't a regular event, but I wasn't averse to it either.

Then I worked at a pizza shop for a year and the experience utterly cured any urges I had to eat those dirty food-wheels ever again. As a side note, we also served chicken wings and I've damn near given those up for good, too.

Almost completely unrelated, I frequently delivered wings to Curly Neal. That guy would call up and say, "Hey, is Harvey [the store owner] there? Tell him it's Curly! Tell him to send me what I want. Order of wings - double boned." Interestingly, Harvey claimed to have never actually taken an order from Curly. Anyway, we used to fight over who would take that delivery because Curly had a reputation for making drivers hang out while he watched ESPN until a commercial break would come on and then paying them with exact change (or as close to exact change as possible). One night when I lost the draw and had to take a delivery to his house Curly's wife answered the door. I thought for sure I might get a tip. No dice. She passed me a check for the exact amount. Another time I impishly slipped an extra single-boned wing into Curly's order while another driver was responsible for delivering it. Curly called up later and bitched at the manager on duty for screwing up his order. Guess who had to deliver a complementary order of replacement wings?

For the record, Curly wasn't the worst customer we had. Nor did he turn me off to chicken wings. I simply learned to hate them because they are nasty, nasty, nasty.]]> Gcrush The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:23:23 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218563#msg-218563 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218563#msg-218563 Sanjeev The OT Tue, 15 Jun 2010 13:50:01 -0400 http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218515#msg-218515 Re: I HATE SANDWICHES http://toyboxdx.com/phorum/read.php?5,218234,218515#msg-218515 -------------------------------------------------------
> You're a food snob and a pain in the ass.


SEE?!?!]]> Warrhead The OT Mon, 14 Jun 2010 15:23:04 -0400